rain

It rained for a work week. Today’s the first day I felt the sun. Yesterday the sun maybe reared its head, but I didn’t leave my apartment. I’ve been walking around like a wet dog for the past week, since I don’t have an umbrella or raincoat, so I wanted one day where I stayed dry. When I was soaking wet on the street I imagined chloe sevigny in the last days of disco, dripping wet in a cab.

I believe fear and attraction are very similar feelings. I tried explaining this to my friends, because it’s the idea I brought to our roundtable (we are making a school): Fear inspires attraction. Beauty and power and sexuality and certain perverse and lurid qualities both strike fear and entice and allure. One follows the other around and eggs the other on like a baby sister, and sometimes this reality can make sex both titillating or unbearable. My brain feels soft. 

Yesterday I watched lost in translation and annie hall. Both movies I love for their tenderness, the former much more so. The love between scarlett and bill is so gorgeous to me, completely contained. I think love exists purely when it is contained, when it serves no other purpose than simply to spend time with each other. When it doesn’t serve a future. Which is often tragic. I experienced this before sunset kind of love once in Boston with a boy from Barcelona. We met at a party a month before he was supposed to leave. He bummed a cigarette off of me on a fire escape. Then we each left the city for a week and then spent the weeks leading up to his departure together. We walked around the city, went to museums, laid in bed, talked about a lot, watched the aforementioned film with a sort of masochistic self-awareness. My hair was short and blonde and I pinned it with bobby pins. The ends of his dark brown hair were bleached, by his friends. The last few days felt too sad. I distanced myself and then wrote him a letter. We met at the park and didn’t talk about much. I filmed him on my camcorder. The footage lives on a mini CD. We decided, like ethan and julie, on a date when we would meet again. We discussed all the ways we would be different, how life will have changed us. Decided that we wouldn’t text because that would feel grossly unsatisfactory, and I despise the way relationships deplete themselves slowly, with each text. I think about him a lot. 

Parameters are really beautiful to me. Why shows should know when to stop. Why people embark on affairs. Why monogamy is chosen again and again. Why fasts cleanse you of your sins. Why rainy days are so romantic.

alausi sent me this.

Death is the ultimate parameter, huh. Tragedy, famously, magnifies romance. Feels fitting for such a film about the beauty of parameters.