the year upcoming..

In: Publishing, 

revision,

idoling, explosivity, real fur, patent leather,
directing, personality,

flesh, blood, dignity, masculinity, the future, realism,

Motherhood,

Low glam, low lights,

Atheism and God,

lesbians, meat, America, belligerent laughter

Out: empaths,

sanitization, cleanliness, aesthetic scheming, fake fur, 

raves, acting,

the old, work from home, Europe,

online shopping, Amazon, Hello Fresh etc., plans, 
Brooklyn for young people, 

morality, modesty, feigned madness, apologies, fake lashes,

gen z haircuts, 
over-socializing, clout, family ties, 
cheetah print

winter!

I am so charmed by life! I eat little squares of chocolate in the middle of the day. 

I love the winter. That sounds like such a simple expression. I really am in love with the winter. It romances me! charms! dazzles! warms!. I feel warmth extra, warmth+. I bask in the strength of the light. The dark is rich like mousse. I scoop spoonfuls of it into my mouth! 

I love how the dark makes people small and scurry indoors where they're safe. I peer into their warm living rooms that are so warmly lit. So often they seek respite in each other. I love how the cold makes things taste sweeter, cheeks stiffer, kisses wetter. People walk closer in the streets and are bundled like children. This winter is an especially lovely one. My time is completely mine. I have beautiful people to warm me. I feel desired. I feel as though I am myself and possess enough power to exercise will over my own life—invigorating! I have made decisions! I am in very few ways at the mercy of or beholden to others. My relationships are secure. How boring! I am my only responsibility! What freedom!

On the third I woke up very happy. Someone very sweet had held me very tight all night long. I had drank in ridgewood the night before with people I love. I gushed that morning. It was disgusting, glutinous, hilarious just how content I was. I have since come back down, been grounded by guilt and shame and all those things that keep us human, but still I am charmed! still I eat chocolate in the middle of the day!

wishlist

the books I read from the library last month, blue and grey tapered candles, vacquera t-shirt (small), a gift card for a 50 dinners on the lower east side, for the industry I want to work in to have a future, for the industry I want to work in to want me, Mac lip liners, a big beautiful two-toned rug, Carels, driving loafers, free time I use wisely, an Hermes scarf, all the movies I want to watch: on Hulu, to be looked at lovingly, an oversized single-breasted coat, the Sopranos—every single one of them, a carton of cigarettes, a kiss from r, all my friends in a kitchen